Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Penultimate (I hope!) on sketch-writing: don't be so clever

I had hoped to have a video to show you by now, but I think it's still being edited/paid for/sent to me. See, we decided to have our final show taped by a professional videographer.

And wouldn't you know it, my main sketch in the final show didn't come off perfectly. It would be easy to say that this was all the actors' fault, but...

Honestly, I wrote a sketch that was hard to remember because (a) actors have a lot of stuff to remember, including other people's sketches and (b) my sketch has a lot of similar moments.

So if an actor skips one line and says another line because it is very similar, it's partly my fault. That's one last lesson to learn about writing pieces for other people to perform live:

Don't be so clever and complicated.

And here's the sketch:


“Law and Disorder”
Ver. 6 / 10-29-2011
CAST
COLIN WELLER, law school professor
SARAH, applicant
(COLIN seated, SARAH just entering the room with a briefcase)
                               COLIN
Have a seat, Sarah. We only have a few minutes, so I’d like to dive right into the interview.

                               SARAH
Absolutely, Professor Weller. I’m really excited about Northwestern Law School.

                               COLIN
Really? Because according to your personal statement, you want to go to law school to become a screenwriter of legal dramas.

                               SARAH
And legal drama-comedies--or “dramedies.”

                               COLIN
Northwestern only admits people who are interested in the law.

                               SARAH
But I am interested in the law. Ever since I saw James Spader in Boston Legal as Alan Shore, Esquire defend a man from murder charges, even though he loved the man’s wife--

                               COLIN
Stop. How should I put this? Do you know what frivolous litigation is?

                               SARAH
Totally: in Ally McBeal season 2 episode 13, “Angels and Blimps,” Ally explains to a boy with leukemia that suing God--

                               COLIN
Sarah, we can’t admit you to law school so that you can become a screenwriter.

                               SARAH
               (Getting scripts out of her briefcase)
I have some screenplays that might change your mind. Ipse dixit.

                               COLIN
That’s not the right way to use that phrase.

                               SARAH
Here’s a screenplay about a lawyer who’s a cop and a ghost at the same time. I’ll play Lance Manspear, Esquire and would you play Judge Candy, the reformed prostitute?

                               COLIN
No.

                               SARAH
Overruled!

                               COLIN
What?

                               SARAH
“I’m just a simple country ghost-cop-lawyer, but--“

                               COLIN
Sarah, you’re not going to get into law school with a script.

                               SARAH
But my agent says--

                               COLIN
You’re not going to get into law school with a script because every lawyer I know hates legal dramas. We waste so much of our time dealing with people who think that courtrooms should be more like Law & Order.

                               SARAH
               (Makes Law & Order ba-ba-bum sound)

                               COLIN
I care about the law, Sarah. You clearly don’t.

                               SARAH
               (Getting out last script)
I care about the law--I even… love the law. There, I said it: love. And I can change your mind by performing this climactic courtroom scene. I’ll play Jack Goodheart, Esquire, and if you could play Salazarinovich, Esquire, the lawyer for the Columbian-Russian mob, which my agent tells me is very timely.

                               COLIN
I think we’re done here.

                               SARAH
(Gets up, gets in character)
Ladies and gents of the jury, Mr. Salazarinovich, Esquire here wants you to think that law is a thing of rules.

                               COLIN
Sarah--

                               SARAH (IC)
He doesn’t want you to know that law is an affair of the heart. It's about how people feel--isn’t that so, Salazarinovich?

                               COLIN
               (Flips through script, reads)
It’s true that I’ve been--

                               SARAH
Could you do an accent?

                               COLIN (IC)
--I’ve been hiding the truth from the jury for years.

                               SARAH (IC)
Judge Velvet, permission to treat the opposing counsel as a hostile witness.
               (moves over to play Judge)
Unorthodox, but I’ll allow it.

                               COLIN (IC)
I don’t have to stay here. I recuse myself from this room!

                               SARAH (IC)
               (As if casting a spell)
Obiter dictum!

                               COLIN (IC)
Curse you, Jack Goodheart, your legal spell has paralyzed me.

                               SARAH (IC)
Salazarinovich, has the Columbian-Russian mob been funding legal dramas?

                               COLIN (IC)
Ahhhh! Your spell compels me--we have been funding legal dramas, such as The Good Wife. And all just to manipulate juries.

                               SARAH (IC)
               (As Judge Velvet)
Amazing, Jack, you truly are the best magic lawyer ever, even if you are haunted by your alcoholism.
               (As Jack Goodheart)
I’m just a simple country magic lawyer, Judge Doctor Velvet.

                               COLIN (IC)
I confess: law is an affair of the heart.

                               SARAH (IC)
Ipso facto. We need legal TV shows and movies.

                               COLIN (IC)
Jack, now that I have confessed my sin, I can pass on to the afterlife… since I was a zombie all along!
               (Dies)

                               SARAH (IC)
Salazarinovich! Don’t die! Not on my watch! Nooooo!!!
               (Out of character)
And… scene.

                               COLIN
My character was a zombie?

                               SARAH
A gay zombie--pretty powerful stuff, right?

                               COLIN
No, it’s terrible.

                               SARAH
But my agent says--

                               COLIN
But you have an interesting idea there. Maybe we do need more screenwriters who are trained as lawyers.

                               SARAH
So you’ll approve my application for law school?

                               COLIN
No. I’m quitting my job as a professor to become a screenwriter of legal dramas. Can you get me in touch with your agent?

                                              (blackout)

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